Accepting Influence

Most people would agree that an important part of what makes a successful relationship is that both people feel heard and respected by one another. Being open and neutral to our partner’s opinion or perspective is a big part of feeling understood and acknowledged. But let’s be honest here – it can be very challenging to remain open on a topic that we may feel quite strongly about! Partners often feel that they are the ones who are flexible and willing to be equal but it’s their partner who is close-minded and rigid! This may be because it is so hard to ‘accept influence’ on certain topics that may not align with our own thoughts and opinions. 

Accepting influence is not about giving up your own values, needs or opinions, instead it’s about being open to understanding and considering your partner's perspective. By doing so, both partners can move away from unhelpful power struggles and toward a collaborative approach where both can feel heard, respected, and valued. This shift can lead to solutions that benefit both individuals, creating a win-win feeling and fostering a sense of shared power within the relationship. It's about finding common ground and working together toward mutual goals and healthy communication. 

Menial tasks such as how to stack the dishwasher, methods to fold clothes, how often the floors need mopping or who does which chores at home can be easier to be flexible on, although most couples can still butt heads on these topics very rigidly. 

“It’s your way or the highway”

“You never budge on things”

“You do it your way and I’ll do it my way”

“You just redo it your way anyway so why would I bother?”

Budgeting, family holidays, input from in-laws and parenting style strategies are examples of more complex and emotionally based decisions that can see us finding flexibility and accepting our partners influence as much more challenging. 

Successful relationships thrive on a mutual exchange of influence, where both partners feel empowered to express their needs and preferences while also being open to considering the perspective of their partner. This dynamic fosters trust, respect, and a sense of fairness within the relationship. It's a continual process of give and take, with each partner contributing to decision-making and problem-solving in a collaborative manner. Building this pattern of respectful influence can strengthen the bond between partners and create a more fulfilling relationship overall.

Accepting influence from your partner does not mean “yes dear”, “no dear” or fulfilling the attitude of “happy wife happy life”. Accepting influence in a relationship involves recognising the validity of your partner's perspective and being open to the possibility of it influencing your own views and decisions. It's a way of showing respect and value for your partner's opinions, even if they differ from your own. 

Here are some reflective questions to ask yourself about whether you can accept influence from your partner:

1. Self-awareness: Start by examining your own behaviour and attitudes. Are you shutting out your partner's ideas or thoughts? Recognising this in the moment is a powerful step toward change.

2. Listen non-judgmentally: Aim to hear your partner's perspective with genuine curiosity and an openness to understand. 

3. Aim for ways to say "yes": Instead of inadvertently going into a defensive stance, seek opportunities to at least acknowledge your partner's opinion “I see what you’re saying”, “I understand your point”, “I hear why this is important to you”. 

When both partners consciously strive to accept influence from each other, listen with empathy, and seek common ground, decision-making becomes less of a search for power and control, and more of a shared goal. 

This can lead to greater mutual understanding, respect, and satisfaction within the relationship. Remembering to approach conflict with openness and a readiness to negotiate can go a long way toward building a deep and resilient relationship.

Gottman Connect

Take this free quiz and get a sense of how well you and your partner accept influence in your relationship as well as how tuned in to each other you currently are.  

By Carlie Kowald. 

Everything you need to know about Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

EFT Explained

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a highly effective therapeutic approach that assists couples and individuals navigate through relationship challenges. By following the principles and techniques of EFT, relationship therapists can guide you and your partner towards developing more meaningful, satisfying and rewarding connections together.

Understanding Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy has been found to be effective in addressing a range of relationship issues, including communication problems, intimacy concerns, infidelity, and unresolved conflicts. It helps couples develop stronger emotional bonds, increase trust and intimacy, and improve overall relationship satisfaction.

Emotionally Focused Therapy was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and allows couples to review their unique emotional dynamics, foster safe communication, and develop stronger connections. By recognising and addressing the underlying emotions and attachment requirements that impact relationship patterns, individuals can overcome obstacles to intimacy and create more secure and fulfilling relationships.

The Goals of EFT

• Emotional awareness

• Healing attachment wounds

• Identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts

• Trauma processing

• Emotion regulation

How EFT is Applied Within Relationship Counselling

EFT provides a structure for therapists to teach you a series of essential relationship skills:

Reflection: Empathy building skills

Validation: Acknowledging a partner’s emotions and experiences

Re-enactment: Practice EFT skills in session with therapist

Reframing: Form new meaning based on new understanding

By following the principles and techniques of EFT, your relationship therapist will improve emotional connection and build trust and intimacy. The strength of EFT work means that besides reducing conflict, it can also improve your overall relationship satisfaction and therefore longevity.

The Benefits of EFT in Relationships

In summary, EFT offers clear benefits that boost the bond between romantic partners:

• Strengthening the Bond

• Building Secure Attachment

• Resolving Conflict and Repairing Hurt

• Promoting Relationship Satisfaction and Longevity

What to Expect in EFT Sessions

During the initial session of EFT you will feel in safe hands as your therapist will create a safe and non-judgmental space for open communication. They will help guide you both to explore emotions, identify your negative relationship patterns, and understand the underlying attachment need for each of you.

The EFT therapist will help you acknowledge and identify the destructive cycles that may be causing harm to your relationship. Through EFT specific skills and methods, the therapist will assist and guide you to create secure and satisfying connections with your partner.

Taking the First Step Towards a Better Relationship

Even just the thought of seeing a relationship therapist is a daunting decision for some people. Taking the first small step is often the hardest one, but it could be the best decision for a happier more fulfilling future for you individually, as well as your relationship.

Of course change takes some time and effort, but with an EFT therapist in your corner, it can be far easier than you’d ever imagined to feel more connected, appreciated, seen and heard in your relationship.  

By Carlie Kowald

Sources

Johnson, S. (2008). Emotionally focused couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp. 107–137). Guilford Press.

Emotionally Focused Therapy: 17 Tools for Your EFT Sessions (positivepsychology.com)

Book recommendation:

Hold Me Tight presents Emotionally-Focused Therapy in a nonclinical way that the general public can access. Hold Me Tight: Dr. Sue Johnson, Sandra Burr: 9781491513811: Amazon.com: Books (No affiliation)

The Love Map to Successful Relationship Intimacy and Trust

If only I could read her mind!

If only he’d tell me what he needs from me!

I wish my partner wasn’t so hard to understand!

If only relationships had some kind of instruction manual telling us what to do!

Well, according to Dr. John Gottman, relationships can have the version of a map or set of instructions you might have been hoping for, if we are willing to ask the right questions in the right setting. Love Maps refer to the deep understanding and knowledge that partners have about each other’s inner worlds. It encompasses knowing each other’s likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, goals, and significant life events.

Essentially, Love Maps represent the emotional and cognitive connection between partners. Having strong Love Maps means understanding your partner on a deep level, including their past experiences, current preferences, and future aspirations. It involves being attuned to their emotions, knowing what makes them happy, what worries them, what comforts them and what excites them. This understanding goes beyond surface-level knowledge and delves into the intricacies of your partner thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Maintaining an updated Love Map of your partner is an ever-evolving task as we as humans are forever changing, adapting and evolving our likes, dislikes and preferences. Staying up to date with where our partner is at requires ongoing communication, active listening, and genuine curiosity about your partner. It’s all about engaging in meaningful conversations, asking open-ended questions, and showing empathy and understanding towards your partner’s experiences and emotions. By continuously updating and expanding your knowledge of each other, you strengthen your emotional bond and build a foundation of trust and deep intimacy in your relationship. Ultimately, having strong Love Maps contributes to a deeper connection and greater satisfaction in the relationship.

According to Gottman’s research, couples with strong Love Maps tend to have stronger emotional bonds, better communication, and greater relationship satisfaction. They are more attuned to each other’s needs and more capable of navigating life’s challenges together. Therefore, nurturing Love Maps is considered an essential aspect of building and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Some examples of the benefits of Love Maps:

Life Background and Context: Knowing the story of your partner’s life, their family background, perception of their parents, how they were disciplined, past relationships, lifetime friendships, and significant life events. This helps you understand what has shaped them into the person they are today. Can help improve compassion, understanding and patience.

Personal Preferences: Keeping up to date with your partner’s fears, dreams, likes, dislikes, and interests. These can be little examples such as favorite books, TV shows or activities that spark their joy and fulfilment. Closeness and intimacy can be built much easier with a true sense of each other.

Future Goals and Dreams: By listening into your partner’s hopes, dreams and goals you can get a better idea of who your partner truly is. This understanding can turn tricky long-term planning, career ambitions and future relocation discussions into a more informed compromise and joint plan.

Building and maintaining Love Maps involves intentional communication, active listening, and ongoing curiosity about your partner. It’s about showing genuine interest in their life to understand them on a deeper level. Building strong Love Maps fosters emotional intimacy, trust, and connection in a relationship, ultimately contributing to its long-term success and happiness.

The Love Map Questions Game

This is adapted from The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work by John Gottman. It is a non-competitive game whereby the aim is not necessarily to get all the answers correct, but to listen and learn from your partner as they vulnerably update you into their personal inner world. Getting the ‘right’ answer is not the goal, hearing into your partner’s heart and brain is where the ‘winning’ happens. Play this game together in the spirit of laughter and gentle fun. The more you play, the more you’ll learn about the Love Maps concept and how to apply it to your own relationship on a daily basis.

I have attached the links below to include over 60 question examples that you can use. I have selected a few here as an example that serve as a good starting point.

• Name two of my two closest friends.

• What is one of my favorite musical group, composer or instrument?

• Name one of my hobbies.

• Where was I born?

• What stresses am I facing right now?

• Who is my favorite relative?

• What is one of my unrealised dreams?

• What is one of my favorite ways to spend an evening?

• What kind of present would I like best?

• What was one of my best childhood experiences?

• What was my favorite holiday?

• What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

• Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)?

• What is my favorite sport?

• What do I fear the most?

Love Map & Open-Ended Card Decks - Couples Exercise

Remember to lean into this exercise gently with each other, using your curiosity not competitiveness. And just like any software, device, vehicle or appliance that we use regularly, our love maps need constant updating too! Stay curious, interested and genuinely enquiring into what makes your partner tick and why.

By Carlie Kowald.

Love in the Digital Age: Striking a Balance Between Tech and Togetherness

Technology can get a bad reputation when it comes to relationships. Phone addiction, online cheating, secret dating apps, pornography and feeling second priority from one another can damage the quality of our relationships. According to Dr James Roberts (2016), smart phone users check their smartphones approximately once every six-and-a-half minutes which works out to be roughly 150 times each day. That’s a lot of devotion, obsession and attention dedicated to a small, handheld device!

The term “phubbing” (short for the term “phone-snubbing”) describes those moments we are all too familiar with, when one partner gets distracted once again by their phone and the other partner feels rejected. In fact, phubbing has become so common that it is now one of the more frequent complaints and conflicts we can hear about in romantic relationships.

Much research has been dedicated to these complex topics and in general the studies regularly find that people who report more ‘technoference’ (technology interfering with their communication and quality time with their partners), also reported more conflict on this topic, lower relationship satisfaction, more depressive symptoms, and lower life satisfaction (McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M., 2016).

Whilst we openly acknowledge the challenges that technology can play in intimacy, we also want to delve into some ways to work with technology and to look at the ways that technology can draw us closer, connect us together and add daily value to our important romantic relationships.

 Instant Messaging and Social Media

Instant Messaging and Social Media platforms such as messaging services and messaging apps allow couples communication to be immediate, instantaneous and in ‘real time’. This allows them to feel connected even when they are separated and physically apart from each other. Instant messaging services can feel less intrusive by allowing a partner to respond when they have the time. Messaging can also allow a couple to be more thoughtful and considered with the wording of a topic, taking the time to choose the right reflections, feelings, and vocabulary. Additionally, video messaging features can be particularly useful for long-distance relationships and can create more personal and interactive communication, helping couples feel more connected throughout the day.

 Organisation and Planning Tools

Organisation and Planning Tools like mutually shared calendars and planning apps help couples coordinate their schedules together, plan activities, and hopefully reduce misunderstandings and conflicting commitments. The shared nature of the visual phone calendar and its ease of accessibility can help to balance expectations of each other and can assist in understanding each other's needs and priorities. The use of a shared calendar requires clear communication and collaboration. Ideally, both partners actively contribute to updating and monitoring the calendar to ensure its effectiveness in improving relationship quality. Finding the balance between adhering to the calendar plans without becoming too rigid as well as allowing for flexibility and spontaneity in the relationship is a good goal to aim for.

 Therapeutic Resources

Therapeutic Resources (such as the very popular telehealth counselling option that we offer at Motivating Marriages), allows access to online counseling services for couples wanting to improve the quality of their relationship. This technology allows for couples to be access treatment at mutually convenient times, in varying locations (enabling couples to engage in therapy together, even if they are in different locations), and in a way that suits their lifestyle (during a child’s naptime or on a lunchbreak). Relationship apps and online resources can offer support and guidance for couples facing challenges. Many online therapy platforms provide follow up resources, such as articles, worksheets, and exercises that clients can access between sessions to enhance their understanding and practice new skills.

 Symbolic Public Gestures

Symbolic Public Gestures such as posting messages, sending emojis, attaching gifs or memes and love hearting a comment are ways that our digital platforms allow us to show and express love and affections even when physically apart from one another. Emojis can add a playful and expressive element to our online communication. We are by no means saying they are a substitute for genuine and open communication in relationships, but they can bridge the gap of connection during a long workday until true re-connection with your partner can occur with a kiss, conversation, hug and debrief. While it’s no balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet; these lighthearted, quick and effective public gestures can provide a sense of support, loyalty and care. It’s a time efficient way to show that you care for your partner.

So, it seems that technology can add value and connectedness in our relationships. Whether it be giggling over a shared meme, swooning over the cute message they sent you on their lunch break, coordinating via calendars what your weekend plans are, swapping funny cat videos or appreciating the small but public ‘liking’ or commenting on your post, technology has the potential to bond us together on shared experiences despite a physical distance.

Respectful and considerate use of phones and technology around your partner is a healthy and recommended ongoing conversation to be had, as this will differ for each person and couple. It's vital for couples to establish healthy communication habits and clear boundaries around technology use. Honest discussions about expectations, privacy, and the role of technology in the relationship will help avoid conflict.

Whilst technology can be used as a tool for effective communication with each other especially when physically apart, it goes without saying that truly connected, deliberate and open conversations are required to maintain the health and satisfaction for all couples and relationships.

So, with that in mind, we suggest you gently pop the phone or tech down for now and go and check in with your romantic partner and enquire about how their day is going, what’s on their mind, and what they are looking forward to in the next few weeks ahead.  It’s all about balance.

By Carlie Kowald

REFRENCES

McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85–98.

Dr Robert Roberts (CNN) https://edition.cnn.com/2016/12/14/health/phubbing-phones-relationships/

Managing Christmas and Difficult Family Relationships

Christmas time is known for its magic, joy-filled moments and excitement, although for some couples it can mean uncertainty, dread and stress. Between the extra grocery shopping, prepping dishes, alcohol consumption at events, busy shopping centres and pre- emptying awkward family conversations it’s often stress-filled before we even get to the family event! On top of this, time spent with certain family members can cause us to feel the need to walk on eggshells, keep our guard up and think ahead about how we want to plan the day.

Christmas stress can be somewhat inevitable although there are a few things you and your partner can discuss and plan for ahead of time to mitigate the negative effect extended families can have on your well-being and holiday enjoyment.

BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES

Family events are usually not the best time to confront hot topics, old feuds or ongoing disagreements. Having firm and polite boundaries around these discussions can help prevent escalating tensions and arguments.

“No, I’m not talking about that today”, “I’m not going to discuss this today”, “I can call you tomorrow to talk about that if you’d like”

are examples of how to maintain your stance respectfully. You may need to calmly repeat yourself many times before you are heard. Stay firm and respectful in your tone of voice and body language.

Each family will have different sources of tensions such as parenting differences, opinions about money or education, who has done wrong to whom etc. Making a decision together about what you are willing to discuss and what you are both not willing to get involved in ahead of time will help you to feel supported by each other and prepared.

PRIORITISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Battling the hustle of the holiday season needs you and your partner to have clear and open communication. Ensuring you use your communication skills of soft starts and using ‘I’ statements will reduce conflict and misinterpretation from your partner. Using non-blaming and non-judgmental language can avoid defensiveness and hurt. Check in with each other if there is anything that you are anxious about and use it to have a constructive conversation together.

At the family event, look for those ‘little moments’ where you can check in with each other, it may be a quick check in chat before the meal, or it may be a non-verbal look or hand squeeze (3 squeezes for ‘I love you’, 2 squeezes for ‘save me’). Try to be aware that both of you will have different perspectives on each other’s families and family members. This is completely normal and understandable and can help you to not feel as though you’re on different teams protecting opposing families. It’s normal for couples to have to adjust and tolerate each other’s feelings towards their families. If you can maintain respect and tolerance throughout this process, you’ll both be rewarded with less tension and defensiveness.

MANAGE YOUR JUDGEMENTS

It is blindingly obvious that your in-laws are different from your own parents. These natural differences can subconsciously cause frustration at the obvious differences and can result in us ignoring the similarities or positive aspects of the ‘other’ family. The behaviours around traditions or communication might feel vastly different, but maybe if we looked a little deeper, we might see that the underlying values e.g. Tradition, love, family time etc., may be more similar than you’d previously realised. The “wrapping” might be different, but the “gift” might be similar.

Reflecting that as kooky and weird as they may seem, your partner’s family traditions are established traditions that began years before they involved you. Challenge yourself to be curious this year, you may learn things about your partner and their family (and yourself!) that you never knew before.

PROTECT YOURSELF

Using unhelpful coping mechanisms such as the ‘fawn’ response or people pleasing, saying yes to all requests, over-committing or tolerating disrespectful communication can lead to us feeling resentful, angry, sad and unworthy. Try to find the middle line and be considerate and polite and respectful without being cold, rude or the doormat! Balance putting everyone’s needs and expectations of you alongside your own needs for some time out, rest and respect. Ensuring this self-protection occurs prior to the event allows us to show up less resentful, less hostile and feeling more in control and emotionally regulated.

CREATING A CONSCIOUS CONNECTION

If possible, try to use this year to show some grace (whilst protecting your boundaries) and think creatively about how to reset old negative cycles. Maybe you could start a new tradition, create a gingerbread house competition, organise a game of backyard cricket, bring a new boardgame or just kill them with kindness this year. When we are regulated emotionally and in charge of how we act, it’s amazing what feats we can achieve.

EXIT STRATEGY

Being realistic, however, in some families it may not be emotionally safe to stay for the whole event. Sometimes despite our best genuine efforts and pre-planning, the family is unable to uphold our boundaries and can become offensive. It’s best to have a discussion prior to attending about when to leave, how to leave, what you will say and whether you will leave together or not. There are no right or wrongs here but being on the same page as each other can ensure the exit strategy goes smoothly for both of you.

Motivating Marriages wishes you and your partner a lovely Christmas. Try to plan ahead with gentle and compassionate conversations with each other. Using soft start-ups, ‘I’ statements and non-defensive listening skills. Hang the mistletoe for a 6 second kiss and enjoy your time together. Merry Christmas from all of us and see you in the new year.

By Carlie Kowald