Love Bombing: Too Much Too Soon

At first, it can feel like a total dream come true. You're swept off your feet, showered with compliments, generous gifts, and constant attention. Your phone beeps nonstop with sweet thoughtful messages all day and night long. They say they’ve never felt like this before with anyone else. They say they’ve met anyone like you. They say it must be fate bringing the two of you together. 

However, soon, something shifts. The warmth fades, the criticisms start, the tension grows, and the person who once seemed head over heels besotted with you is suddenly critical, controlling, and at times, even cold.

Maybe it wasn’t the perfect fairy tale love story they promised to you at the start, maybe it was love bombing?

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a psychological manipulation approach where one person smothers the partner with physical affection, verbal admiration, and intense attention as a way to assert themselves very early in a relationship. It might look like a powerful instant attraction on the surface, but it can often mask other intentions.

Signs of Love Bombing

Some common ‘red flags’ include:

• Excessive flattery (constant praise, high frequency, high intensity) 

• Rushing intimacy (saying “I love you” in the first few days or weeks, overly affectionate right from the start).

• Pressure to commit quickly (talking of marriage very early on, wanting to move in together extremely quickly)

• Over-communication (texting or calling non-stop or wanting to be together 24/7)

• Gifts and grand gestures (the generosity feels disproportionate to the length of the relationship) 

• Getting upset when you need space (guilt tripping tactics, faking illness so you cancel your plans to care for them)

True love and connection tend to build slowly and gradually and is respectful of your boundaries. Love bombing overwhelms you and your boundaries, it might make you question yourself – why aren’t I as happy as I should be, they’re everything I’ve said I wanted, they’re saying all the right things? But maybe, something feels ‘off’, too fast, too soon, or too much. 

Why Do People Love Bomb? 

While the reasons for love bombing may vary, it is most often an attempt to gain control in a relationship. 

1. Narcissistic Tendencies

Individuals with narcissistic traits often use love bombing as a tool to gain admiration and validation. The affection is intense at first, but once they feel secure in the other person’s attachment to them, the dynamic may shift dramatically into criticism, emotional distance, or manipulation.

2. Deep Insecurity 

Not all love bombers are intentionally manipulative. Some act out of overwhelming insecurity and a fear of being alone. Their excessive affection is an attempt to fast-track emotional closeness and secure commitment before the other person has a chance to walk away.

3. Power and Control in Abusive Dynamics

In toxic or abusive relationships, love bombing is often just the beginning. It serves as the entry point to a destructive cycle. Often starting with idealisation, followed by devaluation and eventually the ending of the relationship. The goal is to emotionally win over the partner, gain their trust, and later use that connection to exert control.

The Love Bombing Cycle

Love bombing is a pattern of emotional manipulation and can cycle repeatedly throughout the relationship. 

1. Idealisation – “you’re so perfect” 

   You’re placed on a pedestal. They shower you with affection, praise, and attention. It feels like you're the center of their world.

2. Devaluation – “you’re not trying enough”

   Suddenly, the tone shifts. You’re being criticised, dismissed, or emotionally neglected. The warmth fades, replaced by confusion and self-doubt.

3. Discard – “we’re done”

   They pull away completely often ghosting, cheating, or ending the relationship abruptly, often without an explanation.

4. Hoovering – “I miss you, let’s try again” 

   Just when you start to move on, they can return with renewed affection, trying to “suck” you back in using the same intense tactics that hooked you the first time.

Recognising this cycle is a crucial step in breaking free from unhealthy patterns before they repeat and deepen.

Protect Yourself from Love Bombing

• Allow Time – Genuine love takes time to grow. Be cautious of anyone who pushes for intense emotional or physical intimacy too quickly.

• Hold Your Boundaries – Healthy relationships allow space for both partners needs and in turn will respect your limits.

• Listen To Your Intuition – If someone’s affection feels overwhelming at first and then suddenly changes, pay attention to this inconsistency in words and actions.

• Consult With Others – Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist. External insights can help you see the situation more clearly which can be challenging when emotions are running high.

Defuse the Love Bomb

Love bombing can feel exciting, hope filled and flattering initially, however if your intuition is not feeling comfortable about something, or other people are warning you to slow things down, it’s wise to pause and evaluate the situation.

Genuine love feels gentle, respectful and considerate. It doesn’t pressure more of you than you feel comfortable with or feel rushed and demanding. It unfolds over time, grounded in mutual trust and emotional safety. Trust yourself (and supportive loved ones) to recognise the difference between the two and remember it’s totally appropriate and understandable to need to slow things down at the start and enjoy the ride. True genuine love will happily wait and respectfully honour your request.

By Carlie Kowald

Managing Christmas and Difficult Family Relationships

Christmas time is known for its magic, joy-filled moments and excitement, although for some couples it can mean uncertainty, dread and stress. Between the extra grocery shopping, prepping dishes, alcohol consumption at events, busy shopping centres and pre- emptying awkward family conversations it’s often stress-filled before we even get to the family event! On top of this, time spent with certain family members can cause us to feel the need to walk on eggshells, keep our guard up and think ahead about how we want to plan the day.

Christmas stress can be somewhat inevitable although there are a few things you and your partner can discuss and plan for ahead of time to mitigate the negative effect extended families can have on your well-being and holiday enjoyment.

BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES

Family events are usually not the best time to confront hot topics, old feuds or ongoing disagreements. Having firm and polite boundaries around these discussions can help prevent escalating tensions and arguments.

“No, I’m not talking about that today”, “I’m not going to discuss this today”, “I can call you tomorrow to talk about that if you’d like”

are examples of how to maintain your stance respectfully. You may need to calmly repeat yourself many times before you are heard. Stay firm and respectful in your tone of voice and body language.

Each family will have different sources of tensions such as parenting differences, opinions about money or education, who has done wrong to whom etc. Making a decision together about what you are willing to discuss and what you are both not willing to get involved in ahead of time will help you to feel supported by each other and prepared.

PRIORITISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Battling the hustle of the holiday season needs you and your partner to have clear and open communication. Ensuring you use your communication skills of soft starts and using ‘I’ statements will reduce conflict and misinterpretation from your partner. Using non-blaming and non-judgmental language can avoid defensiveness and hurt. Check in with each other if there is anything that you are anxious about and use it to have a constructive conversation together.

At the family event, look for those ‘little moments’ where you can check in with each other, it may be a quick check in chat before the meal, or it may be a non-verbal look or hand squeeze (3 squeezes for ‘I love you’, 2 squeezes for ‘save me’). Try to be aware that both of you will have different perspectives on each other’s families and family members. This is completely normal and understandable and can help you to not feel as though you’re on different teams protecting opposing families. It’s normal for couples to have to adjust and tolerate each other’s feelings towards their families. If you can maintain respect and tolerance throughout this process, you’ll both be rewarded with less tension and defensiveness.

MANAGE YOUR JUDGEMENTS

It is blindingly obvious that your in-laws are different from your own parents. These natural differences can subconsciously cause frustration at the obvious differences and can result in us ignoring the similarities or positive aspects of the ‘other’ family. The behaviours around traditions or communication might feel vastly different, but maybe if we looked a little deeper, we might see that the underlying values e.g. Tradition, love, family time etc., may be more similar than you’d previously realised. The “wrapping” might be different, but the “gift” might be similar.

Reflecting that as kooky and weird as they may seem, your partner’s family traditions are established traditions that began years before they involved you. Challenge yourself to be curious this year, you may learn things about your partner and their family (and yourself!) that you never knew before.

PROTECT YOURSELF

Using unhelpful coping mechanisms such as the ‘fawn’ response or people pleasing, saying yes to all requests, over-committing or tolerating disrespectful communication can lead to us feeling resentful, angry, sad and unworthy. Try to find the middle line and be considerate and polite and respectful without being cold, rude or the doormat! Balance putting everyone’s needs and expectations of you alongside your own needs for some time out, rest and respect. Ensuring this self-protection occurs prior to the event allows us to show up less resentful, less hostile and feeling more in control and emotionally regulated.

CREATING A CONSCIOUS CONNECTION

If possible, try to use this year to show some grace (whilst protecting your boundaries) and think creatively about how to reset old negative cycles. Maybe you could start a new tradition, create a gingerbread house competition, organise a game of backyard cricket, bring a new boardgame or just kill them with kindness this year. When we are regulated emotionally and in charge of how we act, it’s amazing what feats we can achieve.

EXIT STRATEGY

Being realistic, however, in some families it may not be emotionally safe to stay for the whole event. Sometimes despite our best genuine efforts and pre-planning, the family is unable to uphold our boundaries and can become offensive. It’s best to have a discussion prior to attending about when to leave, how to leave, what you will say and whether you will leave together or not. There are no right or wrongs here but being on the same page as each other can ensure the exit strategy goes smoothly for both of you.

Motivating Marriages wishes you and your partner a lovely Christmas. Try to plan ahead with gentle and compassionate conversations with each other. Using soft start-ups, ‘I’ statements and non-defensive listening skills. Hang the mistletoe for a 6 second kiss and enjoy your time together. Merry Christmas from all of us and see you in the new year.

By Carlie Kowald