Most people would agree that an important part of what makes a successful relationship is that both people feel heard and respected by one another. Being open and neutral to our partner’s opinion or perspective is a big part of feeling understood and acknowledged. But let’s be honest here – it can be very challenging to remain open on a topic that we may feel quite strongly about! Partners often feel that they are the ones who are flexible and willing to be equal but it’s their partner who is close-minded and rigid! This may be because it is so hard to ‘accept influence’ on certain topics that may not align with our own thoughts and opinions.
Accepting influence is not about giving up your own values, needs or opinions, instead it’s about being open to understanding and considering your partner's perspective. By doing so, both partners can move away from unhelpful power struggles and toward a collaborative approach where both can feel heard, respected, and valued. This shift can lead to solutions that benefit both individuals, creating a win-win feeling and fostering a sense of shared power within the relationship. It's about finding common ground and working together toward mutual goals and healthy communication.
Menial tasks such as how to stack the dishwasher, methods to fold clothes, how often the floors need mopping or who does which chores at home can be easier to be flexible on, although most couples can still butt heads on these topics very rigidly.
“It’s your way or the highway”
“You never budge on things”
“You do it your way and I’ll do it my way”
“You just redo it your way anyway so why would I bother?”
Budgeting, family holidays, input from in-laws and parenting style strategies are examples of more complex and emotionally based decisions that can see us finding flexibility and accepting our partners influence as much more challenging.
Successful relationships thrive on a mutual exchange of influence, where both partners feel empowered to express their needs and preferences while also being open to considering the perspective of their partner. This dynamic fosters trust, respect, and a sense of fairness within the relationship. It's a continual process of give and take, with each partner contributing to decision-making and problem-solving in a collaborative manner. Building this pattern of respectful influence can strengthen the bond between partners and create a more fulfilling relationship overall.
Accepting influence from your partner does not mean “yes dear”, “no dear” or fulfilling the attitude of “happy wife happy life”. Accepting influence in a relationship involves recognising the validity of your partner's perspective and being open to the possibility of it influencing your own views and decisions. It's a way of showing respect and value for your partner's opinions, even if they differ from your own.
Here are some reflective questions to ask yourself about whether you can accept influence from your partner:
Self-awareness: Start by examining your own behaviour and attitudes. Are you shutting out your partner's ideas or thoughts? Recognising this in the moment is a powerful step toward change.
Listen non-judgmentally: Aim to hear your partner's perspective with genuine curiosity and an openness to understand.
Aim for ways to say "yes": Instead of inadvertently going into a defensive stance, seek opportunities to at least acknowledge your partner's opinion “I see what you’re saying”, “I understand your point”, “I hear why this is important to you”.
When both partners consciously strive to accept influence from each other, listen with empathy, and seek common ground, decision-making becomes less of a search for power and control, and more of a shared goal.
This can lead to greater mutual understanding, respect, and satisfaction within the relationship. Remembering to approach conflict with openness and a readiness to negotiate can go a long way toward building a deep and resilient relationship.
Take this free quiz and get a sense of how well you and your partner accept influence in your relationship as well as how tuned in to each other you currently are.
By Carlie Kowald.
