Dealing with children who experience big feelings can be challenging for parents. Children's emotions can be intense and overwhelming, and when they don’t yet have the skills or ability to manage them effectively, it can have a significant impact on a child's behaviour.
For some children, this can look like becoming easily frustrated or angry, which often leads to acting out or loud outbursts.
This easily recognisable behaviour is what we find in Explosive Children.
For other children, their big feelings can make them turn inward, and instead of misbehaving, they experience anxiety, fear, sadness or shyness.
This behaviour can be more difficult to recognise, and this is what we find in Implosive Children.
Parents of Implosive and Explosive Children can help them develop the skills needed to manage their reactions to their big feelings through emotion coaching.
In fact, The Gottman Institute’s studies have found that children who have been Emotion Coached by their parents were more successful as an adult in areas such as peer friendships, employment, and academic achievement.
In this blog, we’ll dive deeper into what an Explosive Child and an Implosive Child is, and some techniques that parents and caregivers can use to Emotion Coach their children and set them up for success both now, and in the future.
What is an Explosive Child
Firstly, it’s important to understand what an “Explosive Child” is. Dr Ross Greene coined the term Explosive Child as a child who struggles with:
being flexible
tolerating frustration
handling transitions
being able to problem-solve
and who becomes:
easily and quickly frustrated, angry, and upset
oppositionally defiant
Often children who display these behaviours are misdiagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), ADHD, Bipolar and Autism. Gottman research suggests that many of these misdiagnosed children may have been helped by Emotion Coaching.
Emotion Coaching an Explosive Child
When Emotion Coaching an Explosive Child, our goal is to help them develop skills in managing their reactions and emotions. This looks like:
Pausing for a few moments rather than acting immediately
Use words to express emotion rather than acting them out
Considering alternative actions and their consequences before choosing one to perform
Focusing and sustaining attention on a single task or conversation
Being able to shift attention to a different task or conversation
The Four Principles to Use with Explosive Children
During our Emotion Coaching Workshops, we teach parents Gottman’s ‘Four Principles to Use with Explosive Kids’. These Four Principles are:
Try to Understand. Use “What?” Questions, not “Why?”
Small Successes Are Okay
Use Educated Guesses When Your Child Says “I Don’t Know”
Try Temporary Solutions That Work to Accomplish Your and Your Child’s Goals
Let’s dive into Principle 1: Try to Understand. Use “What?” Questions, not “Why?”
Often our first response to a child’s explosive behaviour is “Why did you do that?”. This may appear to be trying to understand, however, like adults, kids experience “Why?” questions as criticism.
E.g., “Why did you do that?”, “why can’t you just calm down?”, or “why can’t you just be like your brother?” These questions make your child think that there is something wrong with them.
What can you do instead? Use “What?” questions such as, “what is going on that has made you so upset?”, “what do you need?”, or “what were you feeling?”.
These “What” questions help your child learn to voice their feelings so that you can empathize with them and be supportive, and they can begin to understand and manage their own emotions.
We explore all Four Principles in depth at our Emotion Coaching Workshops. Learn more about the workshop and view upcoming dates here.
What is an Implosive Child
Implosive children, on the other hand, are the opposite to “Explosive Children”. The Implosive Child is often:
Anxious, fearful, sad, or shy
Withdraw
Inhibited perfectionists
Prefer organization
Introverted
Fear failure
Have unrealistic expectations of themselves
The main issue for these children is not misbehaviour, but feelings of chronic sadness, fear, experiences of rejection or bullying, or fear of trying new things.
The Four Principles to Use with Implosive Children
The strategies are the same as with the Explosive Child but differ slightly in their approach. Those Principles are:
Try to Understand. Use “What?” Questions, not “Why?”
Small Successes Are Okay
Use Educated Guesses When Your Child Says “I Don’t Know”
Try Temporary Solutions That Work to Accomplish Your and Your Child’s Goals
Let’s again dive into Principle 1: Try to Understand. Use “What?” Questions, not “Why?” and explore how it differs for Implosive Children
Like adults, Implosive Children also experience “Why” questions as criticism. For Implosive Children, this can intensify the feeling they were already experiencing and withdraw further.
e.g., “Why are you so scared?”, “Why are you being so quiet?”
What can you do instead? Use “What” questions. Our goal here is to increase your child’s flexibility and help them imagine new and different possibilities in both thoughts and actions.
E.g., “What would be your worst-case scenario?” or “What do you need?”
These questions help your child to voice their fears so that you can empathize and be supportive.
The Value of Emotion Coaching your Implosive or Explosive Child
Emotion Coaching your Implosive or Explosive Child allows them to develop the life-long skill of understanding and managing their emotions and behaviour. The key to helping children be successful now and into the future is helping to grow their emotional intelligence.
If you would like to learn more and develop your skills in Emotion Coaching your child and setting them up for success, register your interest for our next Gottman Emotion Coaching Workshop.
For all the details about the Emotion Coaching Workshops, click here.
