“Ah you’re acting like such a child!”
Contempt is criticism with an added layer of judgment, and a spiteful attitude towards your partner. Contempt is an insidious passive aggressive message of “I’m better than you” and “I don’t respect you”. When we speak with contempt we ridicule, mock, tease or taunt in an effort to make our partner feel unworthy and inferior to us. We might do this by using sarcastic humour, condescending language, speaking in a disdainful tone, insulting them by name calling or by using non-verbal disrespectful body language such as sneering, scoffing, smugness or eye rolling. The effect on the relationship is one of “me versus you” and a hurtful message to the partner that their feelings are insignificant. According to Dr John Gottman, contempt in relationships is the single greatest predictor of divorce and therefore a form of communication that needs addressing in relationship counselling.
“No wonder no-one at works like you, you’re so sensitive and needy”
“Argh here you go crying again, what now?” – eye roll
“Of course that offended you, you’re so easy to upset!”
“You are such a lazy slob”
“You are as ignorant and selfish as your parents”
“Well maybe if you actually played with the kids sometimes, they wouldn’t scream so much”
“Far out you’re always so dramatic” – scoffing when you’ve told them they upset you
“You’re so slow – do I have to spell it out for you like a child?”
As you can imagine, over time, contempt can have a negative effect on someone's self-esteem and self-worth, and when behaviours of contempt are left unaddressed over time, they can have serious implications for the quality of the relationship. This is why Dr John Gottman states that “contempt is sulfuric acid for love.” He is referring to the fact that it acts like poison and destroys the quality and longevity of relationships. Contempt is “sulfuric acid” because it conveys a strong undercurrent of disgust. It is very difficult for a relationship to healthily address their challenges together whilst a partner is communicating to their significant other that they find them disgusting and unworthy.
What Causes Contempt in a Relationship?
Contempt can come from issues in the relationship that build up over time and are not adequately addressed. Contempt can stem from a sense of feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged in the relationship, and some partners may be initially unaware that they communicate this way until they seek out relationship counselling or individual counselling. It could also be a learned behaviour from watching your parents ineffectively communicate growing up, or simply a habitual way of communicating that you no longer try to stop using due to feeling resentful towards your partner.
Reducing Contempt in a Relationship
It's attainable and achievable to move past the negative emotions, hurt and defensiveness that can stem from contempt in a relationship. Relationship counseling can be highly impactful and enlightening in working out what your relationship needs to feel safe, happy and healthy again for both of you. In counseling you can learn new skills and ways to communicate effectively. A soft start and expressing fondness and admiration are two of the many skills Gottman therapy would utilise.
THE CURE FOR CONTEMPT
Soften Start-up
The Gottman soft start-up is a simple but powerful skill which focuses on how to approach a conversation with your partner in a gentler way so that your partner can better receive what you are saying in a non-threatening way.
When bringing up a problem to your partner, Gottman research shows that the first three minutes are crucial. It is well documented from their research findings, that conversations that start with blame or negativity are likely to end poorly.
The soft startup technique was introduced by Dr John Gottman as he was able to illustrate that gentle startups reduce defensiveness and contempt.
• Waiting to have the conversation in a calm moment
• Gentle body language and soft tone of voice
• Using “I” statements
• Describing the problem clearly – no ‘You’ statements
• Being respectful above all else
The soft startup skill helps to set a positive tone and can assist in reducing conflict. The aim of the soft start up skill is to choose words, tone and timings to allow you and your partner to focus on the problem, rather than who’s to blame, thus ultimately reducing contempt within the relationship. Ultimately, healthy communication, respect, and mutual appreciation are the cornerstones of a successful and fulfilling partnership.
Appreciation and Fondness
Couples who focus their attention positively in the calm non-conflictual moments of the relationship tend to share more gestures of admiration and gratitude towards their partners. It allows them to show greater empathy, compassion and understanding, such as “He’s had such a long day with the kids, I want to remind him what a great dad he is”, or “I know she’s feeling pressure about her meeting later, I’ll make sure to let her know how proud of her I am”. Showing and sharing fondness and admiration is an intentional, consistent and committed way to reduce contempt and increase respect in a relationship.
Dr. John Gottman states “notice what your partner is doing right. Catch your partner in the act of doing good stuff!”. By building an environment of appreciation, fondness, and admiration it shows your partner that you care about them and want them to feel safe and happy.
Some examples may be:
Physical affection and tender touch
Give compliments “I love it when you …”, “I respect … about you”,
Surprise them with inexpensive but thoughtful spontaneous gifts
Ask your partner “What can I do next week to make you feel more loved?”
Appreciation statements “I’m grateful that you …”, “I appreciate it when you …”
FINAL THOUGHT
Ultimately, contemptuous communication and behaviours act like poison to the quality and longevity of the relationship. But with effort, awareness and skills, contempt can be turned into appreciation, fondness and even admiration. Focusing on how you want your relationship to feel for both of you can be the key to positive change and a new direction in communication. By addressing contemptuous behaviors and replacing them with positive communication strategies, couples can work towards a more loving and lasting relationship.
## Couples with problematic contemptuous communication could consider seeking professional help through relationship counseling. Motivating Marriages can provide guidance, facilitate constructive communication, and help couples develop the skills needed to repair and strengthen their relationship.##
