Technology can get a bad reputation when it comes to relationships. Phone addiction, online cheating, secret dating apps, pornography and feeling second priority from one another can damage the quality of our relationships. According to Dr James Roberts (2016), smart phone users check their smartphones approximately once every six-and-a-half minutes which works out to be roughly 150 times each day. That’s a lot of devotion, obsession and attention dedicated to a small, handheld device!
The term “phubbing” (short for the term “phone-snubbing”) describes those moments we are all too familiar with, when one partner gets distracted once again by their phone and the other partner feels rejected. In fact, phubbing has become so common that it is now one of the more frequent complaints and conflicts we can hear about in romantic relationships.
Much research has been dedicated to these complex topics and in general the studies regularly find that people who report more ‘technoference’ (technology interfering with their communication and quality time with their partners), also reported more conflict on this topic, lower relationship satisfaction, more depressive symptoms, and lower life satisfaction (McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M., 2016).
Whilst we openly acknowledge the challenges that technology can play in intimacy, we also want to delve into some ways to work with technology and to look at the ways that technology can draw us closer, connect us together and add daily value to our important romantic relationships.
Instant Messaging and Social Media
Instant Messaging and Social Media platforms such as messaging services and messaging apps allow couples communication to be immediate, instantaneous and in ‘real time’. This allows them to feel connected even when they are separated and physically apart from each other. Instant messaging services can feel less intrusive by allowing a partner to respond when they have the time. Messaging can also allow a couple to be more thoughtful and considered with the wording of a topic, taking the time to choose the right reflections, feelings, and vocabulary. Additionally, video messaging features can be particularly useful for long-distance relationships and can create more personal and interactive communication, helping couples feel more connected throughout the day.
Organisation and Planning Tools
Organisation and Planning Tools like mutually shared calendars and planning apps help couples coordinate their schedules together, plan activities, and hopefully reduce misunderstandings and conflicting commitments. The shared nature of the visual phone calendar and its ease of accessibility can help to balance expectations of each other and can assist in understanding each other's needs and priorities. The use of a shared calendar requires clear communication and collaboration. Ideally, both partners actively contribute to updating and monitoring the calendar to ensure its effectiveness in improving relationship quality. Finding the balance between adhering to the calendar plans without becoming too rigid as well as allowing for flexibility and spontaneity in the relationship is a good goal to aim for.
Therapeutic Resources
Therapeutic Resources (such as the very popular telehealth counselling option that we offer at Motivating Marriages), allows access to online counseling services for couples wanting to improve the quality of their relationship. This technology allows for couples to be access treatment at mutually convenient times, in varying locations (enabling couples to engage in therapy together, even if they are in different locations), and in a way that suits their lifestyle (during a child’s naptime or on a lunchbreak). Relationship apps and online resources can offer support and guidance for couples facing challenges. Many online therapy platforms provide follow up resources, such as articles, worksheets, and exercises that clients can access between sessions to enhance their understanding and practice new skills.
Symbolic Public Gestures
Symbolic Public Gestures such as posting messages, sending emojis, attaching gifs or memes and love hearting a comment are ways that our digital platforms allow us to show and express love and affections even when physically apart from one another. Emojis can add a playful and expressive element to our online communication. We are by no means saying they are a substitute for genuine and open communication in relationships, but they can bridge the gap of connection during a long workday until true re-connection with your partner can occur with a kiss, conversation, hug and debrief. While it’s no balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet; these lighthearted, quick and effective public gestures can provide a sense of support, loyalty and care. It’s a time efficient way to show that you care for your partner.
So, it seems that technology can add value and connectedness in our relationships. Whether it be giggling over a shared meme, swooning over the cute message they sent you on their lunch break, coordinating via calendars what your weekend plans are, swapping funny cat videos or appreciating the small but public ‘liking’ or commenting on your post, technology has the potential to bond us together on shared experiences despite a physical distance.
Respectful and considerate use of phones and technology around your partner is a healthy and recommended ongoing conversation to be had, as this will differ for each person and couple. It's vital for couples to establish healthy communication habits and clear boundaries around technology use. Honest discussions about expectations, privacy, and the role of technology in the relationship will help avoid conflict.
Whilst technology can be used as a tool for effective communication with each other especially when physically apart, it goes without saying that truly connected, deliberate and open conversations are required to maintain the health and satisfaction for all couples and relationships.
So, with that in mind, we suggest you gently pop the phone or tech down for now and go and check in with your romantic partner and enquire about how their day is going, what’s on their mind, and what they are looking forward to in the next few weeks ahead. It’s all about balance.
By Carlie Kowald
REFRENCES
McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85–98.
Dr Robert Roberts (CNN) https://edition.cnn.com/2016/12/14/health/phubbing-phones-relationships/
