If only I could read her mind!
If only he’d tell me what he needs from me!
I wish my partner wasn’t so hard to understand!
If only relationships had some kind of instruction manual telling us what to do!
Well, according to Dr. John Gottman, relationships can have the version of a map or set of instructions you might have been hoping for, if we are willing to ask the right questions in the right setting. Love Maps refer to the deep understanding and knowledge that partners have about each other’s inner worlds. It encompasses knowing each other’s likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, goals, and significant life events.
Essentially, Love Maps represent the emotional and cognitive connection between partners. Having strong Love Maps means understanding your partner on a deep level, including their past experiences, current preferences, and future aspirations. It involves being attuned to their emotions, knowing what makes them happy, what worries them, what comforts them and what excites them. This understanding goes beyond surface-level knowledge and delves into the intricacies of your partner thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Maintaining an updated Love Map of your partner is an ever-evolving task as we as humans are forever changing, adapting and evolving our likes, dislikes and preferences. Staying up to date with where our partner is at requires ongoing communication, active listening, and genuine curiosity about your partner. It’s all about engaging in meaningful conversations, asking open-ended questions, and showing empathy and understanding towards your partner’s experiences and emotions. By continuously updating and expanding your knowledge of each other, you strengthen your emotional bond and build a foundation of trust and deep intimacy in your relationship. Ultimately, having strong Love Maps contributes to a deeper connection and greater satisfaction in the relationship.
According to Gottman’s research, couples with strong Love Maps tend to have stronger emotional bonds, better communication, and greater relationship satisfaction. They are more attuned to each other’s needs and more capable of navigating life’s challenges together. Therefore, nurturing Love Maps is considered an essential aspect of building and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Some examples of the benefits of Love Maps:
Life Background and Context: Knowing the story of your partner’s life, their family background, perception of their parents, how they were disciplined, past relationships, lifetime friendships, and significant life events. This helps you understand what has shaped them into the person they are today. Can help improve compassion, understanding and patience.
Personal Preferences: Keeping up to date with your partner’s fears, dreams, likes, dislikes, and interests. These can be little examples such as favorite books, TV shows or activities that spark their joy and fulfilment. Closeness and intimacy can be built much easier with a true sense of each other.
Future Goals and Dreams: By listening into your partner’s hopes, dreams and goals you can get a better idea of who your partner truly is. This understanding can turn tricky long-term planning, career ambitions and future relocation discussions into a more informed compromise and joint plan.
Building and maintaining Love Maps involves intentional communication, active listening, and ongoing curiosity about your partner. It’s about showing genuine interest in their life to understand them on a deeper level. Building strong Love Maps fosters emotional intimacy, trust, and connection in a relationship, ultimately contributing to its long-term success and happiness.
The Love Map Questions Game
This is adapted from The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work by John Gottman. It is a non-competitive game whereby the aim is not necessarily to get all the answers correct, but to listen and learn from your partner as they vulnerably update you into their personal inner world. Getting the ‘right’ answer is not the goal, hearing into your partner’s heart and brain is where the ‘winning’ happens. Play this game together in the spirit of laughter and gentle fun. The more you play, the more you’ll learn about the Love Maps concept and how to apply it to your own relationship on a daily basis.
I have attached the links below to include over 60 question examples that you can use. I have selected a few here as an example that serve as a good starting point.
Name two of my two closest friends.
What is one of my favorite musical group, composer or instrument?
Name one of my hobbies.
Where was I born?
What stresses am I facing right now?
Who is my favorite relative?
What is one of my unrealised dreams?
What is one of my favorite ways to spend an evening?
What kind of present would I like best?
What was one of my best childhood experiences?
What was my favorite holiday?
What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?
Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)?
What is my favorite sport?
What do I fear the most?
Love Map & Open-Ended Card Decks - Couples Exercise
Remember to lean into this exercise gently with each other, using your curiosity not competitiveness. And just like any software, device, vehicle or appliance that we use regularly, our love maps need constant updating too! Stay curious, interested and genuinely enquiring into what makes your partner tick and why.
By Carlie Kowald.
