Every relationship comes with its unique mix of strengths and challenges. This individuality can be further exaggerated when one partner shows traits of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
Although the differences in communication styles, emotional expression, or routine rigidness may sometimes lead to frustration and annoyance, those same differences often bring other strengths such as loyalty, honesty, deep focus, and stimulating perspectives on the world.
The problem many couples face is often not the ASD traits themselves, but how those traits are interpreted. What looks like rigidness may actually be consistency. What feels like emotional intensity could instead be a different way of showing love. When partners shift from seeing these traits as “difficulties” to seeing them as their partner’s “wiring,” it opens the door to more empathy, teamwork and connection.
DSM-5 Criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder
According to the DSM-5, ASD is characterised by challenges in two main areas:
1.
Persistent difficulties in social communication and interaction, such as:
Trouble with back-and-forth conversation.
Reduced sharing of emotions or interests.
Difficulty understanding nonverbal cues (tone of voice, body language).
Challenges developing or maintaining close relationships.
2.
Restricted or repetitive patterns of behaviour, interests, or activities, such as:
Rigid routines or rituals.
Intense focus on specific interests.
Sensitivity (or reduced sensitivity) to sensory input, like sounds, textures, or lights.
These traits begin early in life, cause some level of difficulty in functioning, and can range from mild to more pronounced. Some people exhibit no overt or obvious behaviours outwardly as they may have learnt to socially mask exceptionally well.
Neurospicy Relationships
Let’s look at a few common clinical examples we see in therapy:
Communication misunderstandings
Lena feels hurt because her partner, Daniel, rarely asks about her day unprompted. Daniel, who shows traits of ASD, does not recognise that small talk is an important way Lena feels connected. To him, love is shown through cooking her dinner each night or researching solutions when she has a problem at work.Differences in emotional expression
Maria describes her boyfriend Sam as “closed off” because he doesn’t often say “I love you.” Sam feels very deeply for her but instead expresses his affection through consistency and reliability. He puts his effort into always being on time and remembering small details that matter to her like how she likes to talk about her day as soon as she gets home each day.Sensory sensitivities
Luca becomes overwhelmed at noisy social gatherings, leading his partner to think he isn’t putting in much effort for her and is avoiding her friends. In truth, the crowded environment causes sensory overload, and he needs a quieter setting to fully engage, preferring small groups and 1:1 settings.
Turning Traits into Treasures
Reframe your Frustration to Fascination
Instead of assuming and personalising your partners lack of hugs or introversion try to be curious about how these may be part of your partner’s neurological style. Consider asking them “How do you show me care?” rather than assuming and expecting that it should look the same as your style (or the glorified rom com movies!).Clear Connected Communication
Partners with ASD traits often state that they would prefer clear, direct communication rather than alluding to, hints or subtle cues. Saying, “It would mean a lot if you asked me about my day when I sit down at dinner” is much more effective than waiting for them to notice or take the hint.Respect Routines and Personal Preferences
While flexibility is important, respecting a partner’s routines and preferences (such as eating at the same time each night or needing alone time straight after work) can reduce stress between the partners. Negotiating these openly can prevent unnecessary conflicts and reduce resentment and feelings of rejection.Small Sacrifices for Big Love
For example, if one partner struggles with emotional reciprocity, the couple might agree to set aside time each evening for structured check-ins. If sensory overload is a factor, couples might choose quieter venues for socialising.Invest in Your Love Story
Couples therapy, especially with a therapist experienced in neurodiversity, can help both partners understand each other’s needs and learn practical strategies for connection. Both our MM couples counsellors Kerrie and Adrian are trained in ASD and neurodiversity.
Different Styles with Shared Goals
In summary, having a partner with ASD traits means the couple has opportunities to build their connection in creative, unique and meaningful ways. Many of the qualities associated with ASD such as devotion, straightforwardness, and dedication can actually strengthen the romantic bond when both partners learn to recognise, accept and value them.
The key is shifting the focus from frustration about the obvious differences to one of appreciation of their unique strengths. When we can be curious instead of critical, and have clear communication, mutual respect, and compromise, this paves the way ahead for a connection that feels genuine, safe and long lasting.
By working with the traits of ASD instead of against them, you have the opportunity to create a relationship that admittedly might look or feel a little bit different than we tend to see in the movies, but is one grounded in honesty, stability, and a love that is truly one-of-a-kind.
By Carlie Kowald