You’re halfway through chatting with your partner about their workday when all of sudden – Hang on did I forget to get the groceries out of the car? What’s that beeping sound? Where is the dog? Oops I better come back to the conversation – oh dear they’re giving me that look again! They can tell I’ve been distracted.
If you, or your partner, have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) this scenario might feel very familiar. ADHD can make relationships tremendously thrilling and occasionally frustrating, often all rolled into one! With the right strategies, you can both turn the chaos into connection.
Laundry Doom Piles
How it happens: ADHD brains can struggle with executive function. Simply put, this can mean that starting or finishing tasks doesn’t always go the way we’d planned. Laundry disagreements are a common example that we often hear about in therapy as it has so many different steps to get to the task being completed – washing, drying, sorting folding and finally putting away. Someone with ADHD might for example might get it washed easily, but it might pause here, and then getting it dried and put away might be the tough bit at the end to finish off.
Impact on relationships: One partner might feel like they’re carrying more of the household mental or physical load, which can create tension or feelings of frustration and resentment.
What to do:
Set a timer on your phone so you remember to finish tasks.
Break jobs into smaller steps, “wash clothes” is one step and “fold clothes” is another. This can reduce the feeling of overwhelm on your executive functioning and presents the task as multiple smaller steps which can feel more achievable.
Discuss with your partner swapping chores so each of you can do what you’re naturally better at or find naturally easier. For example you might be great at writing shopping lists and buying groceries, they might be better at folding.
One Ear Only Listening
How it happens: Your partner is chatting to you about something important … and you suddenly remember a task you need to do or something you’ve wanted to tell them about for ages. ADHD brains can jump around mid-conversation without warning or intent.
Impact on relationships: Your partner may feel insignificant, boring or unimportant to you.
What to do:
Remain grounded — use active listening skills as these may help you to stay grounded in the conversation and gives you practical things to pay attention to – try repeating back part of what they said in your own interpretation.
Organise pre-meditated “uninterrupted focus time” for important topics (phones away, TV off, attention on each other, use fidget spinners or grounding skills).
When you realise you’ve been hooked by distraction, that’s okay just own it. “oops I’ve gotten distracted by my brain, can you please repeat that bit I want to hear it”.
Memory Hiccups
How it happens: ADHD and poor memory isn’t due to your partner not caring or not trying hard enough — it’s actually about their working memory hiccups. That’s why keys, wallets and phones can vanish into thin air.
Impact on relationships: Constant searching can waste time, cause frustration, add stress, and make both partners late.
What to do:
Have a designated “home” for important items (a hook for keys, a tray for wallets, important paperwork all in one folder).
Make it as light as possible, don’t sweat the non-life-threatening stuff, try to solve it as a team, laugh about the search instead of letting it turn into a frustration filled argument. Neither partner wants to have to search for things (again) but accepting this is the reality helps to de-catastrophise the moment.
And Finally…
Sure, ADHD can bring challenges to a relationship — from interrupting important conversations to forgotten commitments to frantic searches for keys (phones, wallets, bags, paperwork, lunch, shoes etc!). However with insight, open communication, and practical strategies, couples can move from annoyance to teamwork. The goal isn’t to “fix” the person with ADHD, but to come together so both partners feel heard, supported, understood and respected.
When both partners commit to learning about ADHD and adjusting their expectations without judgment, the relationship can become stronger, more cohesive, and infused with a sense of lightness and playfulness.
By Carlie Kowald
